From Behind Enemy Lines – A Different Perspective

I started writing for this blog about a year before I switched to thinking of myself as conservative. Or rather, for Miguel’s blog. I stuck to things I knew well, like prepping and cooking. I rarely touched on political things, because I knew people wouldn’t agree, so what was the point? And then Chris asked me to write “From Behind Enemy Lines.”

At first, I found it offensive. I didn’t think HE meant it to be offensive, but it bothered me. A lot. I was standing “over there” and “over there” was “behind enemy lines” and therefore in his mind I must be “enemy.” That’s the logic that I followed. Since I have known Chris for over 25 years at this point, I know he doesn’t think of me as an enemy (and didn’t when I was on the Left, either), so I knew I must have misunderstood something. Still, it was a burr under my saddle, and it irritated me. I really didn’t want to be writing stuff that I knew no one was going to like.

I used the pseudonym “Hagar” because I was absolutely terrified to out myself in public. No matter how you play the game, this blog is public. I didn’t want anyone on the Left to think I was conservative, and I didn’t really want to be dragged through the mud every time I posted. So “I” didn’t post, Hagar did. As with reenacting, putting on a new face allowed me to write and communicate more effectively. Hagar might get blasted, but Ally was safely tucked away where no one knew her or how to get to her.

Over time, I came to understand that none of you were attacking ME. Some of you might have attacked my positions over the years, but no one attacked ME. And so when we made the big switch to this blog, I used my real name. I opened the door a crack.

As I wrote things for this blog, I had to do research. That’s just the type of person I am. Even though I could just have told everyone “what they were thinking over on the Left,” I didn’t consider that enough. I’ve always been one to be thorough in my writing. So I went down the rabbit hole. I started finding out just how much of what I was told on a daily basis was lies. I had to go look stuff up on a constant basis, because I wanted to prove my stance. I’d get to the research, to the raw numbers, and realize I was wrong. I’ve tried very hard to be open and honest when I’ve been wrong, both on the blog and in my real life.

Over time, through a year-plus of research and learning and educating myself, and attempting to educate you guys, I came to realize that I really wasn’t aligned with the Left anymore. I’d made the jump a decade ago to libertarian, and that was a comfortable place for a while, but I couldn’t even hold onto that anymore. I slowly… oh so slowly… came to terms with the fact that I was conservative.

But I haven’t been conservative for very long. I’m squeaky new. A lot of the old ways of thinking are canalized in my brain, and it takes real work to get past it. It’s something I don’t think most of you have any clue about, the sheer amount of actual physical and mental strain it takes to make this change. Knowing the information is only the catalyst. That’s not what makes someone conservative. Believing isn’t what makes you conservative, either. It’s WHAT you do, and HOW you do it.

My thoughts do eventually “get there” for most subjects, and may never get there for a few subjects, but the actual act of “getting there” is one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. I’ve given birth and I’ve had my appendix turn to sludge in my belly, both of which I rate as a good, healthy 10 on the “omg ouch” scale… but changing my thinking? That’s a 12.

Now I obviously can’t say “go easy on me” just because I’m new. I’d certainly like you to go easy on me, but that’s not a necessity. You can choose to do so or not, and it’s up to me to deal with it. I’d liken it to a cross between boot camp and “a well-qualified and highly trained woman who joins a machine shop, who has to work to fit in with The Boys rather than expecting them to change things up to fit her in”… if that makes sense. It’s my job to work for it; it is not your job to pave my way with participation awards. I do understand that.

But I want you all to understand… if I’m to keep writing about the Left, I have to keep a foot over there. This puts me in a shit position. Add to that, many of my friends are artsy types, and a lot of those happen to be Leftists (luckily not that many idjits). It’s hard. I don’t know how to be myself “over there” anymore, but I have to keep looking and reporting. Understand, I’m not just doing it for you, either. I’m doing it for myself, to show myself on a daily basis why I have moved Right of center. Even if we had a “comfortable and sane” Left side again, I don’t think I could go over to it. Ditto to libertarianism. I am no longer a flower girl; you’ve educated me to a point where I can’t go back.

Several times a week, I think to myself… it was so much calmer, less stressful, less angry, less frustrated when I didn’t give a shit. When I thought Trump was just the Devil and the Right were trying to take away my rights. That was so EASY. I didn’t have to think. At least, not about politics. I could spend my time thinking about food and cookbooks and reenacting, and things I actually like. Because, you know what? I don’t actually like politics.

All this stuff makes my hair stand on end. Figuring out what the truth is from a given news report has literally caused me to have hives from the stress. My blood pressure is up. My head hurts frequently. But I can’t stop. I know; I tried. That hurts now, too. I can’t be ignorant anymore. So I can be stressed into illness over politics, or I can be stressed into illness by being willfully ignorant. Yeah, doesn’t work.

Add to that, I can have different beliefs over here on the Right. I couldn’t do that on the Left. If you get out of lockstep with them, you’re instantly mowed down. A few years ago, I had someone tell me in a chat forum that I “simply couldn’t understand what it meant to be different.” I’m over here going… I’m poly, pagan, kinky, pansexual, of Romani background… I’m a big niche made out of niches. But apparently none of that counts… guess why. Yes, because I’m white. Funny enough, so was the person grilling me, but whatever. It doesn’t have to make sense, over on the Left. So yes, attacked for the crime of not being Different Enough.

Over here, I can say that I believe abortion access before the 12th week is something I consider acceptable. It’s late enough that a woman knows she’s pregnant. It’s early enough that a “human” hasn’t formed out of the fetus. And I can clearly state that I still consider it killing a human being… just that I consider it an acceptable killing, and not a murder. After that time? No, after that 12th week, unless the mother’s life is at actual risk (meaning something like she has cancer and can’t get treatment because it would abort the baby, or it’s ectopic, or that kind of thing), then it’s murder, plain and simple. That’s my belief, and you can like it or not like it. How you react to it isn’t my problem. I can say that I believe the Second Amendment has been perverted by modern scholars, and when I read “shall not infringe,” I mean that literally. I think if someone wants to own a nuke, fine. Machine gun, fine. Ballistic missile, fine. We have all sorts of laws that restrict poisoning your neighbors with nuclear radiation and blowing up local businesses, that have everything to do with crimes and nothing to do with the right to keep and bear arms. Again, that’s my belief, and you can like it or not, and that’s your problem.

I’m not used to that freedom to express my beliefs. I’m also still getting used to expressing a belief and dealing with the fallout of that expression. As I’ve said, I’m new, and some of this stuff is either hard to hold onto (new ideas) or hard to let go of (old ideas). I’m asking for a bit of grace. It’s a request, not a requirement, and I realize some of you have no interest in giving me said grace. I can learn to deal with it and wear my big girl panties, or I can leave. I’ve chosen to stay, at least for now. I’m trying to learn to deal with it better.

Just as I used to fear I’d be ostracized or threatened because I was a Leftist way back when, I now am dealing with the fear that I’ll be ostracized or threatened because I don’t believe as you all do here on the Right. I can “know” that isn’t how you work, and still not have internalized it. And that’s where I am right now. I have to literally say the words out loud to myself, on the regular, to remember that it’s okay to have opposing opinions (and talk about them… I’ve always had opposing opinions, I just used to hide them).

The struggle is real, and it is painful emotionally, mentally, and to some extent physically.

Standing up and saying the words is absolutely fucking terrifying, ladies and gentlemen. “I still support Trump, but I think he’s acted like a miscreant schoolboy on occasion and it pisses me off to no end.” Saying that, it’s HARD. “I don’t want my President to act in certain ways.” Gezus it’s scary.

It’s going to take me a bit of time to get back to writing regularly here. I’m busy, though not as busy as I was. With the holidays and holy days arriving, I will have a bit more time. But I’m facing the reality of the knowledge that I have four books to get out into the world in the next twelve months. That’s a ridiculous amount of work. I don’t know if I can do it. But I have to try. So I might not be here as much. And I might take mental health breaks, because I’m not going to be doing anyone any good if I’m just a teary mess.

So yes… I’m asking you to go a bit easy on me. I can handle people disagreeing with me, but some of the vitriol that goes along with that has caused me damage. I’m attempting to address it, and get better at both standing tall when I disagree, and ignoring the anger of others. It’s not something I’m great at, unfortunately. More work on my part.

Ally out.